Falling Back In Love

An article written by
Sally Connolly, LMFT and John E. Turner, LMFT

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“I love him but I am not in love with him.”

“We seem to have lost that spark and I do not have those same feelings for her any more.”

“We seem to be just roommates … and have lost the good feelings that we once had.”

Those are words … and feelings … that go through the minds and hearts of almost all of those who are involved in long-term relationships. It is rare for both partners in a couple to have those same warm and connected feelings all of the time. And, yes, it is possible to fall back in love with your spouse.

Sometimes, hearing those words from a spouse can mean an affair …either emotionally or sexually. An attraction to someone else brings excitement and a marital partner generally cannot measure up to the thrill of newness and the thrill of risk and secrecy. If infidelity is the issue, the challenges are much more complex and require stepping away from the affair before feelings of being in love can even begin to return.  Much of the time; however, with some space and a change in thinking and acting, people can fall back in love.

Often feeling and thoughts of falling out of love; however, are more about taking each other for granted, devoting more time to career, children, social lives or other activities that prevent prioritizing the marriage and nurturing the couple relationship. When partners do not nurture their relationship, they tend to become distant and feel more lonely and isolated and maybe even that they have fallen out of love.

Some will decide that this is reason enough for a divorce.  One research study, however, noted that couples who do stay together and find a way to bring their marriage back to life, report happiness 5 years later with appreciation for having found a way to stay together even though, at one time they acknowledge feeling as if they had fallen out of love.

Falling Back in Love

So …
How do you try to bring those feelings back?  How do you fall back in love? It certainly helps if more than one of you are working on this, however, even one person can make a difference in the relationship. Here are a few ideas to help you begin to turn things around and fall back in love.

  • Look at pictures of happier times together and reminisce about those experiences together.
  • Every day, think about one good characteristic about your spouse that you really like and admire. Try to remember specific things that he or she has done to demonstrate that characteristic. Ponder on that one aspect or characteristic all day. The next day, choose another one. Tell your partner about your appreciation for that characteristic.   See if you then don't feel "glimmers" of falling back in love.
  • Schedule dates with each other and make sure that they are occasions when you do not talk about any problems, just about your lives.
  • Try new things. Explore different restaurants, hikes, sporting events.  Learn different things together.
  • Fall back in love by acting romantically with him or her.  Don't expect big changes right away.  Allow those feelings to grow back slowly.
  • Only talk about your spouse and your life in good ways to family and friends. Remind yourself ... and your friends and family ... about the person that you fell in love with.
  • If you have complaints, write them down and then try to leave them alone for a while. Later you can revisit them and decide whether or not they are important enough to talk about.
  • Fall back in love by looking for ways to re-ignite your sexual relationship.

Do you have other ideas for things that you have done that worked for you, leading you to fall back in love with your spouse? What have others done to fall back in love or reignitte those old feelings? If so … please visit our blog and share those ideas with others.

If you would like more help with falling back in love in your own relationship, contact us at Couples Counseling of Louisville or Counseling Relationships Online.  We can work together in person or online.

Click here to read more of our article offering advice for healthy couple relationships about love, staying in love and falling back in love.

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